Be a mail order groom

The life of a mail order groom! It's a peculiar profession, to say the least. I've made a living out of marrying women I've never met, all for the sake of a hefty dowry and a chance to start anew.

I've been in this business for nigh on 20 years now, and I've seen it all. The desperation in the eyes of the women who write to me, the hope that I'll be their ticket out of poverty or a loveless marriage. The men, of course, are usually just looking for a pretty face and a warm bed.

I've married my fair share of women, each one more...interesting than the last. There was the one who turned out to be a former circus performer, complete with a pet monkey and a penchant for fire-breathing. And then there was the one who claimed to be a countess, but turned out to be a con artist with a talent for forgery.

But I've also had my share of genuine love matches. There was the young woman who wrote to me with a broken heart, and I ended up falling for her myself. We had a lovely marriage, and I even got to meet her family, who turned out to be a bunch of lovable eccentrics.

Of course, there are the ones who don't work out. The ones who turn out to be crazy, or cruel, or just plain boring. But that's all part of the job, I suppose.

I've had to develop a bit of a radar over the years, to be able to spot the ones who are likely to be trouble. And I've learned to be careful, to keep my wits about me and my eyes open.

But despite the risks, I still enjoy the thrill of the chase. The excitement of meeting a new woman, of getting to know her and seeing if there's a spark between us. It's a strange sort of love, perhaps, but it's the only kind I know.

And who knows? Maybe someday I'll find the one who's meant to be mine. The one who'll love me for who I am, mail order groom and all.